Dear Brother,
Remember when I was born? You asked Mom if she and Dad could give me back. Remember when I started talking? You’d put your hand over my mouth to keep me quiet. Remember when Sister was born? You and I hated her together...the first thing we ever agreed on. Remember when we felt forgotten because of her? You and I started to hang out more. Remember when I started dancing? You were the one to encourage me to do my best. Remember when I broke the glass angel for attention? Dad was so mad; you took the fall. Remember my first day of school? I was so scared, you walked me to class. Remember when I couldn’t understand multiplication? You taught me using goldfish. Remember my phase of no friends? You let me hang out with you and your buddies. Remember when high school came around? I thought you’d ditch me, but you didn’t. Remember your first car? I borrowed it without asking and dented it. Remember when I wanted a job? You drove me all over town to find one. Remember my first dance? You drilled the guy until he was sweating buckets. Remember my first boyfriend? I thought you were going to kill him when you saw us hug. Remember my first breakup? You held me close and let me cry all night. Remember my first party? You told me not to go and I snuck out my window. Remember when I called you to pick me up? I thought I’d get a lecture, but I didn’t. Remember my first school fight? You picked me up instead of calling Mom and Dad. Remember the ride home? You gave me the acceptance forms. Remember how upset I was? I started to scream, but you stayed calm. Remember I didn’t talk to you for weeks? I regret it. Remember the day you left for Basic? I cried and begged you not to go - you still left. Remember the day you came back? Sister and I ran to give you a hug. Remember when I told you I was accepted to college? You were ecstatic. Remember when you told me you were going to Iraq? My smile faded, and my spirits fell. Remember when Mom made you a cake as a congratulations? I was screaming inside. Remember the day you left for Iraq? I cried and begged you not to go again - you still left. Remember when you came home? Sister and I ran to give you a hug - your hug was loose. Remember your nightmares? I ran to your room to help. Remember those nights of hallucinations? I was terrified, but I tried to get to you. Remember when Sister found your journal? You went after her, and Mom kicked you out. Remember all those years you took care of me? I knew it was my turn. Remember when I drove around town to find you? You were sleeping on a bench. Remember when I gave you cash and got you a job? It made me so happy. Remember the day I bought Buzz? You didn’t want him, but the pup helped you improve faster. Remember when you told me you were going back? I was angry...you were getting better. Why go back? Remember the day you left? I took Buzz’s leash, cried, and begged you to stay. You still left. Remember the day the officer stood at the front door? I do. I remember. Dad stood speechless. Mom cried on his shoulder. Sister knelt by the stairs. I stumbled to the backyard. I collapsed in front of Buzz. He whimpered, knowing something was wrong. I’m sorry, Brother. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for taking the attention. I never meant to. I’m sorry for not listening. You were always wiser. I’m sorry for taking your time. You were always a giver. I’m sorry for not supporting you sooner. I only wanted you to be safe. Thank you for your love. Thank you for your generosity. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for your time. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your service. Thank you for being my best friend. You’re a hero, Brother. I know you didn’t see it, But I do. If not for the country, Then for me. You loved me my whole life. You put up with my crazy ideas forever. You protected me when I couldn’t protect myself. You are my hero. I love you, Brother. I always will. Thank you, for being my friend. Love, Your Sister |
Isn't She Lovely?
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My Love
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Paris
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Chasing the Runway
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You broke my heart. You left me crying on that cold, hard ground. I felt so stupid for trusting you again. How could you say and do such mean and hurtful things? You used to call me beautiful. How could you say I’m not pretty enough for you, or that I am too fat? You used to tell me all the time that I was smarter than you. How could you say I am not smart enough for you? You used to tell me that you love me. How could you leave me when you knew I needed you?
You do these things because you know I don’t have it in me to be mean. You know I don’t have it in me to not forgive you. You know that there is no possible way that I can stay mad at you. I want you to know that I’m not mad. I’m disappointed and hurt, both with you and myself. You do all these terrible things, but I let you do them. I let you make me feel this way. I don’t stand up for myself. I am a coward, and a coward I shall always be. No matter how many times you hurt me and leave me, I don’t think there is any way I could ever make myself leave you. You’re my best friend, while you make me feel terrible sometimes, more often than not, you make me the happiest girl in the world, and I love you. |
I can’t leave you - not because I am scared that I would be nothing without you, but because I am terrified of the idea of not having my best friend around to love.
So now, as I pull into your driveway and make myself walk up to your front steps, I feel hollow and empty. I stop in front of your door, raise a shaking hand to knock on your door...nothing. I let my hand fall back to my side. I consider returning to my car and going home, but at that moment, you open the front door and hug me with a wide smile on your face like nothing happened, and all is forgiven again. But I know now that while I love you so very much, I can’t trust you. Now, I know that when things get hard, no matter what you promise me, you are going to leave. While I stand here hugging you, crying tears not of joy, but of sadness, I silently tell myself that I will never again allow myself to be hurt. But we both know that I hate being mad at you, and I am incapable of not forgiving you. I know that you will break my heart again and again ‘till there is nothing left to break. And for that, I blame myself. |